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Bruce Sullivan

What Does Your Child Look Like?

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Article by Justin Coulson.
See his Happy families blog here or follow Justin's twitter.
If your children could see themselves through your eyes, what would they see?
In a local park I recently overheard a conversation between two parents. "He's such a terror!" "She's a totally spoiled little brat." "This child is driving me crazy."
It was an eye-opening moment, because when I looked at their children I saw a helpful girl playing with a younger sibling, an energetic boy laughing and running and climbing with excitement, and a child who wanted to share his playtime with his mum.
The way we 'frame' a situation, or a person, heavily influences our interactions. If we consistently see our children as frustrating impediments in what would otherwise be a well-ordered life, then every interaction with our children will be marred by that default view. Such a view promotes a deficit-orientation towards a family. It reduces motivation on the part of parents to help their 'good-for-nothing' 'bratty' 'ungrateful' children. And unsurprisingly, such an approach is hardly inspiring for children. They feed off the negativity of parental perception and typically live up to precisely what is expected of them... which is not much.
Conversely, seeing our children as people - real people - who we value, and who bring positives to our family and our lives ensures that our interactions with them can be far more positive. We take a strengths approach, stating what we value and appreciate in them, and sharing those positives. We consider things that they are good at and invite them to develop those attributes. We give them opportunities and acknowledge their contribution.
We decide whether the glass is half full or half empty. This is not to be naive or ignorant of shortcomings and concerns. When we see a half-full glass, we can still recognise that it is not completely full, and we can help to remedy that in appropriate ways. But it does make a big difference.
If you see your child as talented, helpful, and willing to think of others, you'll see those traits exhibited more. If you see your child as selfish, a non-contributor, and rude, it's amazing how often those attributes will be evident - often prompted by the expectations of those around her.
Are your children angels, or terrorists? Are they a delight, or delinquent? Are they a pain or a pleasure? They can be either, but if we choose to see them as angels, as a delight, and as a pleasure, then they most likely will be.
Your children can see themselves the way that you see them. What are they seeing?

Swimming With All Those Fish In The Sea

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Those of us who are married often reminisce about the early days of our relationships and think of how magical and romantic those times were. Dating, however, can be a frightening and intimidating time for those who are actually involved in it now. It is especially scary for individuals who have been out of the dating scene for a while. They often try to please their date, rather than showing who they really are. They sometimes spend hours “reinventing” their appearance, rather than presenting their true self. Such tactics only work against the ultimate goal of dating and place us right back out there to search for “the one” again. You must look at a date as an opportunity and spend the time wisely in order to achieve success.

If you are planning the date, think about activities that provide the chance to express yourself and show what you find interesting and fun. There is nothing wrong with giving-up the old standard dinner and a movie to go rock climbing or visit the opening of a new art gallery. Consider activities that are stimulating for conversation and provide the time to do so. Whatever you choose, though, be sure to discuss the choice with your date prior to picking them up.

On the other hand, if you are not planning the outing, it is absolutely necessary to know what type of date you will be going on. Answering the door in your gorgeous new evening gown, only to find your date in jeans, can ruin anyone’s night out. As such, it is essential to discuss the date agenda prior to preparing to go out. Also, it is important to be open-minded and adventurous. Even if you have never been exposed to something that is planned, don’t deny your date the opportunity to introduce you to it. This alone can afford both of you with an amazing, bonding experience.

During a date, it is important to encourage discussion. However, even in the case of a soft-spoken person, be certain not to dominate the conversation. By asking open-ended questions and practicing reflective listening, you can stimulate an amazing flow of chatter. It is essential that you give and receive “the basics” of personality, interests and values during your first few dates, without being too probing. This can help you avoid spending months with someone before finding-out that your morals or beliefs are in complete opposition.

These are simple, yet integral, steps in dating successfully. There is immense value in expressing your personality and standards of living early-on in order to feel comfortable giving effort to the relationship. Thinking outside of the box to create a date atmosphere that provides the opportunity for communication and self-expression is imperative. Put simply, one day, these dates will be the foundation for a marriage and you want to be able to look back on them as wonderful experiences that served to bring you and your partner together in body, mind and spirit.

Body Image: What Society Tells Girls They Should Look Like

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Article by Justin Coulson.
See his Happy families blog here or follow Justin's twitter.
I'm a father of daughters... five precious girls.
Being a parenting researcher and writer gives me a lot of confidence in the way I raise my girls. But there is one thing that causes me more worry than anything else. It's the way society tells girls how they should 'look'.
There has been some recent noise made in the media recently about a book titled Cinderella Ate My Daughter. The author, Peggy Orenstein, argues that the 'Disney-fication' of what little girls are supposed to be (i.e. princesses) is leading to social norms that are unhealthy.
Orenstein doesn't just blame Disney. She argues that the media, in a general sense, turns women's bodies into objects to satisfy men, and that the media portrays imperfect women unkindly. This in turn is influencing our expectations of what women should be and look like, and is driving women, mums, and daughters to dissatisfaction with themselves.
The media is powerful. There is no doubt that it can be influential. And the influence is intentional - and biased towards an idealised beauty that is impossible to achieve.
A fascinating interview with Hollywood actor, mover and shaker, Geena Davis sheds more light on the issue. From the interview:
We raised some money, and we ended up doing the largest research study ever done on G-rated movies and television shows made for kids 11 and under. And the results were stunning. What we found was that in G-rated movies, for every one female character, there were three male characters. If it was a group scene, it would change to five to one, male to female.
Of the female characters that existed, the majority are highly stereotyped and/or hypersexualized. To me, the most disturbing thing was that the female characters in G-rated movies wear the same amount of sexually revealing clothing as the female characters in R-rated movies.
And then we looked at aspirations and occupations and things like that. Pretty much the only aspiration for female characters was finding romance, whereas there are practically no male characters whose ultimate goal is finding romance. The No. 1 occupation was royalty. Nice gig, if you can get it. And we found that the majority of female characters in animated movies have a body type that can't exist in real life. So, the question you can think of from all this is: What message are we sending to kids?
The messages the media is sending to women - even young girls - are powerful, pervasive, and barely even noticed. And they are all the wrong messages!
A recent study of 320 women aged between 18 and 65 years (average age= 24.49 years) from 20 UK universities found that in order to achieve their ideal body weight and shape:

  • 16% would trade 1 year of their life
  • 10% would trade 2-5 years of their life
  • 2% would trade 6-10 years of their life
  • 1% would trade 21 years or more of their life

To me, such a survey is not particularly valid. The hypothetical nature of the question, combined with the absolute lack of reality associated with it makes it inaccurate at best, and foolish at worst. It does, however, point to one important fact regardless of the nonsense question that it is:
A substantial number of women experience genuine body dissatisfaction.
The crunch though, is that 79% of the women surveyed reported that they would like to lose weight, despite the fact that the majority of the women sampled (78.37%) were actually within the underweight or 'normal' weight ranges.
A few other findings from the study that may be of interest:

  • 46% of the women surveyed have been ridiculed or bullied because of their appearance.
  • 39% of the women surveyed reported that if money wasn't a concern they would have cosmetic surgery to alter their appearance.

Of the 39% who said they would have cosmetic surgery, 76% desired multiple surgical procedures. 5% of the women surveyed have already had cosmetic surgery to alter their appearance.

  • 93% of the women surveyed reported that they had had negative thoughts about their appearance during the past week. 31% had negative thoughts several times a day.

We live in a crazy, superficial world where all that seems to matter to a woman is what she looks like. It's as if her appearance is her contribution to society and humanity. And if she doesn't measure up, she feels inadequate, gets bullied, and will go to extreme lengths to try to achieve the IMPOSSIBLE!
We need to teach our girls that NOBODY looks like the girls in the magazines!
How do we do this, sensitively, as parents?
First, consider your child's development. For girls in particular, it is normal for them to gain weight at certain times of their lives. Sometimes this can happen rapidly, such as at the onset of puberty. While your child may not look like the media's popular portrayals, remember that your child is not receiving hours of time in the 'makeup' room each day, and airbrushing only works in photos - not real life.
Explain this kind of thing to your child. Let them know that they are normal, and that the people in the media are anything but normal.
Second, be positive about your child's changing body. Discuss the positives related to how they are growing up. Puberty is an exciting time, and this can be shared in meaningful ways between parent and child. Don't talk negatively as it will increase self-consciousness. If there are reasons to be concerned, subtly change your family eating and exercise habits rather than telling your child negative things about her appearance.
Third, NEVER EVER let your children hear you complain about your own body. You own your body and it's up to you to be comfortable in it. If you're not, keep it to yourself and work to improve your health. If your child hears you complaining about how you look and feel she will learn that this is how women behave. Similarly, if your child sees you going for a walk every night after dinner (or swimming early each morning) then your example will make a difference. Your example of how you feel about yourself may well be the biggest influence on your child's sense of satisfaction with herself.
Fourth, teach your children that health, fitness, and wellbeing matter in terms of body satisfaction. And invite them to consider all of the ways that they can make a contribution to their family, classroom, and community... ways that have nothing to do with how they look. Help them to know that the media's obsession with appearance doesn't have to carry across into a personal obsession with personal appearance.
Fifth, education matters. Show you children how magazines and media change women with advertisements like this... (and no I'm not endorsing the brand or their work - it's simply a superb illustration)

Why Your Children Should NOT be on Facebook

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Article by Justin Coulson.
See his Happy families blog here or follow Justin's twitter.

In recent months my 11 year-old daughter has been endlessly begging, pleading, 'dying' to let me set her up with a facebook account.
"Everyone has got one dad."
"They're calling me names because you won't let me have one."
Children should NOT be on facebook. In fact, children should NOT even have telephones that are more computer than phone!
Here are 5 BIG reasons why your child should stay off facebook:
1. Cyberbullying.
Like it or not, cyberbullying is real and it affects most children in some way. This staggering example of bullying via the phone is becoming all too common. And it happens online in ways that are just as vicious and frightening.
2. Content that's not for kids.
I have been 'friended' on facebook by several of my friends' children. While I know that they will not see content on my page or in my updates that is inappropriate, I can't help but be almost certain that some of their other adult 'friends' may not be so mindful of what is posted. To add insult to this statement, one of my 'friends' under the age of 13 (and therefore too young for facebook according to facebook) posted material that I was stunned to see! Facebook provides too many opportunities for kids to be exposed to things they really should not see.
3. Facebook and the 'under 13' rule.
The only reason that facebook has a rule that children under the age of 13 cannot use it is related to USA laws related to the collection of personal information on young people. It has NOTHING to do with the best interests of your child! Nothing at all. Facebook does not care how old your child is, or the extent to which exposure to inappropriate material may occur. Of course they do respond to complaints about inappropriate material, but by then it's often too late - especially if it is your child.
4. Do you 'really' know your friends?
Several of the kids that have friended me on facebook, because their parents are my friends, have as many as 40 other friends in common with me. I suspect that they're friends with many, many of their parents' friends. But how well do you really know all your friends? While it's unlikely, it is not impossible that your child could become friends with one of your friends, or even your friends' friends (privacy settings can allow friends of friends to get access to your lists at times). Issues to do with keeping your child safe are magnified substantially under such circumstances. Private messages can be sent by strangers to your child. Attachments can be added to those messages and sent to your child - by those strangers who are friends, or friends of friends. Personal information can be obtained from your child, and so on.
5. Social and Developmental Psychology
Our children are simply not developed sufficiently to deal with the immediacy of facebook and all that electronic media entails. Simple face-to-face squabbles are challenging enough. When we incorporate the 'nowness' of the virtual world with the distance (perceived) and even a sense of anonymity (which can be easily manufactured) children struggle to inhibit anti-social impulses, and get easily swept up in whatever issues are present before them. Our young children, perhaps even under 18 - but at least 16 - are simply not sufficiently developed and mature to deal with what the electronic media offer them.
While this article is principally about facebook, the concerns extend to other media including email, mobile phones (watch this amazing video and follow the story), and the Internet more generally.
I suggest the following to keep your children safe:
First, keep them off facebook as long as you can... even beyond 13 if possible.
Second, keep communication open. If something bad happens, don't threaten to remove technology privileges. This will only push the behaviour underground, making it deeper and harder to observe. Instead, talk, talk, talk, and listen! Lots!
Third, show your children just how fast these problems can escalate. The links, youtubes, and stories in this post can be used as helpful educational tools. Educate, educate, educate.
Fourth, keep computers in open, public areas of the house. Never allow computers (including laptops and mobile phones with connectivity) into the bedroom.
Five, be a helicopter parent... hover, hover, hover. Be over their shoulder and know what they're doing. (And get used to seeing POS written in their chat - it means Parent Over Shoulder).
We can't bubble-wrap our kids, but we can protect them from the negative effects that the cyberworld throws in their direction by being aware, and following the guidelines outlined here