Essential Baby blogger Justine Davies and Red Hot Relationships' Bruce Sullivan teamed up to solve the dilemma of this mother-to-be.
Question:
I’m currently 24 weeks pregnant with our first baby and while it’s very exciting I’m not sure whether to tell DH that it’s a girl. What should I do??
DH wants a son. Really, really badly wants a son. And he’s been quite open about his hopes that we’re having a boy throughout the whole pregnancy. Not in a negative “I don’t want a girl” way – once we have the baby I know he will be thrilled no matter what - but he calls my bump his “little man” and keeps telling everyone that he’s sure I’m having a boy.
The thing is though – I know it’s a girl! We had the 20 week scan and didn’t find out the sex, because DH wants it to be a surprise. But I’m hopeless at waiting for surprises, so I phoned the clinic the next day and asked – and we’re having a girl!
That’s fine by me, I really don’t mind either way. But I just don’t know whether to tell DH now so that he settles down with the whole “little man” routine in front of our friends or whether to not say anything and let him find out on the day. He really wants it to be a surprise – but he’s talking up the whole “I want a boy” thing way too much.
What do parents think? Leave it and let him find out on the day, or tell him now?
Justine Davies answers:
Oh jeez, Lindi – I don’t think there’s a right or wrong answer here. Maybe it depends on how pro-boy your husband is being? If he’s being seriously out of control and will live to regret (or be severely embarrassed by) what he’s saying, then maybe you should tell him – on the other hand, if he will probably just laugh about all his current “I want a boy” declarations when he meets his beautiful baby girl, then maybe there’s no need.
Bruce Sullivan answers:
For a male perspective on this, I have asked relationship specialist and founder of www.redhotrelationships.com, Bruce Sullivan for some advice…
“This is a problem faced by many couples since the advent of new technology,” he says. “There are though two other questions here that need to be considered.
Firstly, if you both agreed not to find out he may be more anxious that you broke the agreement to wait until birth to discover the truth. Trust is a key component of every relationship and I think is the key issue here. Secondly, how are you going to enjoy the rest of your pregnancy living with the internal conflict that now exists?
My advice would be to tell him and how you do it of course is the key.
Couples need to have agreements in place about being open and assurances that when you do your partner will respond in a predictable positive way with a view to solving the problem and getting on with your lives together.
“Honey, I really want tell you about a deal we had that I broke and most importantly I want to be sure that the trust we have in our relationship is preserved... hence this conversation. I have found out the sex of our baby and do you want to know?”
If he does you can tell him and both get used to the fact that your beautiful little girl is on the way and if he doesn’t then you can have some fun together enjoying the pregnancy.
The key is that with whatever he chooses, you have done what you can to ensure that the trust is preserved in your relationship.
What's your advice? Let us know below.
Article reproduced with permission from essentialbaby.com
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What did YOU say YES to?
The day of our departure had finally come however this time there was a question mark over if we should stay and wait....or do we set forth on our adventure? We had already bragged about how lucky we had been in the past with the weather magically aligning its good behaviour with our planned departure dates.
A decision was made and we said yes to a departure the following morning.
Well, to cut the very long story short, three out of the four of us became terribly sea sick and the journey across the ocean to an outer most island on the Great Barrier Reef felt like it would never end! As the seas gradually increased their rage on our boat and its occupants, we all had private moments of “Get me out of here”... “Let’s go back” (even when we were over half way) and the most important question of all, “Why are we doing this?”
WHY...? Because we said yes! NO complaining or whingeing required... NO easy way out... NO control, alt, delete and start again... NO surfing the net looking for a “cheat” to this program. Suck it up, make the most of it and do what you can to solve the problems that need to be solved!
Please can I encourage you to remember and be realistic about what you said YES to! In fact, I would like to suggest that everything you are doing right now you said yes to…including your job!
When I said yes to being a Dad....I said yes to being interrupted whilst doing something that I thought was important to me by something my children thought was more important to them AND that I should drop everything I’m doing to do what they want me to do right now!
Instead of whingeing about my children...I remember that I said yes to being a Dad which realistically means being interrupted by them wanting me to play with them... right now and then only for a short season!
When I said yes to being a service provider...I said yes to doing what I can to keep the relationship positive, growing and moving forward...even on the days that I don’t feel like it.
Instead of whingeing about customers...I remember I said yes to this job, which realistically means serving customers and helping them solve the problems they have.
We already have a reputation. We will be famous for being a problem solver or being a whinger. So what are you famous for?
What have you said yes to?
Enjoy the journey!
Bruce Sullivan
Keeping the children in mind
It was a difficult decision, but you and your spouse have agreed that it is time to get a divorce. You have not told your children yet and are very intimidated by the mere idea of explaining it to them. You, nor your husband, have even made them aware that there were problems. You grapple with how to share this information with them without feeling as though you’re dropping a bomb on them.
This is, without a doubt, an extremely complicated situation. You must address this very emotional topic with your children at a time when you certainly do not feel your strongest. There are a number of ways that parents can inform children of an impending divorce, but doing it on a whim is not the best strategy. You should only discuss this issue with your children after you, and your spouse, have discussed it at length and have a plan for addressing your children’s questions and concerns.
The first step is to talk to your spouse about the amount of information you want to share with your children. It is important for both of you to be united on this topic, even in the midst of divorce. The best thing parents can do for their children during this time is to remain a team when it comes to parenting. Some parents will simply want to inform their children that they no longer feel the same way about one another, thus they cannot stay married. Other parents will want to share more about the reasons behind the decision to split. Whatever your decision, the children are going to ask questions and it is your responsibility to know how you will respond in advance.
It is also important to inform the children of the divorce in a calm, comfortable, familiar atmosphere. The family and dining rooms are good choices, but eliminating distractions is integral. Both parents need to be there, as the children will likely have questions for each. Avoid using a tone of negativity. Even though it may be a difficult situation, you would not be going forward with it if the positives did not outweigh the negatives. Often, the way in which the news is framed makes an immense difference in how it is received. It is also necessary to assure the children that the divorce has nothing to do with them. More often than not, children of divorce report feelings that the divorce was their fault.
After making your children aware of the divorce and thoroughly processing their feelings and concerns, it is essential to keep them informed of the other changes that will be taking place. Certainly, you or your spouse will be leaving the main family home. Also, the children will be splitting their time between parents, as well as each parent’s extended family. The divorce may also impact the children’s schooling, peer relationships and socioeconomic status, among other things. It is important to talk about these changes with the children, rather than just watching the changes take place. In processing each step of the divorce process and its implications with the children, we are reducing their anxiety and fear, as well as keeping them emotional healthy.
When do we call it quits?
We all enter marriage with high hopes and lofty dreams. We take our vows seriously and enter into them with the mindset that we will have an everlasting union. So, when things go awry in our marriage, it is difficult to know when enough is enough. How do we determine when to call it quits? How can we be sure that we should get a divorce?
It is always important to fully explore the problems that are occurring with our spouse. However, we should not begin a discussion of our issues with divorce in mind. Rather, we should talk about how to resolve the problems without getting divorced. If we are able to have such a talk with our partner, gain knowledge about one another’s perspectives on the issues and devise some strategies to combat the problems, then our marriage is worth working on. If we are able to employ the strategies for relationship repair and they bring fruitful results, we can see that divorce is obviously the wrong thing for us.
If this talk does not bring about a rekindling of our marriage, then it may also be helpful to seek the advice of a professional. We, and our partner, may feel ambivalent about seeing a counselor or therapist, but it is a worthwhile venture for those considering a divorce. This third party serves as a mediator in our discussions and assists us in formulating strategies to help our marriage. The contributions of a relationship expert can certainly be invaluable in these difficult times. Once again, if we can utilize this input to strengthen our relationship, we should eliminate the thought of divorce from our mind.
In the event that our efforts to resolve the issues within our marriage fail, then we really need to examine the fundamentals of good relationships. First, we must ask our self whether there is a loss of trust. If we do not trust our partner, or they do not trust us, this is a very troubling issue. Trust is extremely hard to build in the first place, which makes it that much more difficult to rebuild. Also, we need to think about whether there is still respect between oneself and our partner. Again, this is a building block of a good relationship. If the respect is gone, everything else will crumble. When these elements are absent, a marriage absolutely will not last. If we and our partner are willing to give the time and patience necessary to rebuild them, then do so. If we or our partner cannot work on respect and trust, it is time to call it quits.
When we look at our relationship and truly analyze its aspects, we must be mindful of the need to make an effort to resolve the problems within it. Taking the time and effort to discuss our problems as a couple, either independently or with a professional, will help to get the issues out in the open and give us an opportunity to solve them. However, if we find that the foundation of our relationship is gone- trust and respect- and we do not wish to address these keys issues, it may be time to move forward with our lives by moving on.
Feeling complete
I like to think that everyone we meet on this Earth has a place in our life and a reason for being there. Whether they are in our presence for a brief moment or a lifetime, they make some type of impact upon us. The impression they leave upon us does not have to be monumental to be recognized. Unfortunately, often it is not until we lose someone that we realize their place in our life. Then, what do we do to feel complete again once they are gone?
We must first identify what needs the individual we lost fulfilled in us. It can be difficult to discover exactly what someone gave us, as many individuals provide us with so much. However, there is certainly something that stands out, especially when we truly feel a void when the person has passed on. The truth can be uncovered by tuning into our feelings and thoughts when our sense of loss is most prominent or by looking at what triggers us to recall the person who has died.
After finding-out what is missing, we cannot have the expectation that someone else will give us the same thing. We may meet others in our life journey that provides us with something similar, but it will never be the same. As such, we must learn to cope with our emotions about our loss, which will consequently fill that void, on our own. This can be done in a number of ways, but one seems most satisfying.
The key is to celebrate the person we lost in the spirit of what they gave to us. When we lose someone who helped us become a more independent person, then we can find peace with their loss by helping others in the same way. If an inspirational individual in our life passes-on, then we can recall their character and express it creatively. It is more important to remember who these individuals were to us than it is to try to replace them.
In order to recover from the death of someone who shaped us as a person, we must ensure that we carry-on in their way. In doing so, we not only pay tribute to them, but we also fill the void within us left by their absence. The activities we devote to them should not sadden us, but reinvigorate us through what we do in their honor. These are our celebrations of loved ones’ lives.
Loving until the end
Caring for a loved one who is terminally ill is, quite possibly, the most difficult experience an individual will face in their lifetime. The process of death can be frightening for both the patient and you, the caretaker. As such, both individuals need to be aware of their emotional, physical, social and spiritual needs. You must be willing and able to attend to your needs, as well as your loved ones.
During this time, it is extremely important that you fulfill your physical needs in order to maintain the ability to care for your loved one. Many times, you will not feel hungry, but you must have regular meals in order to retain the strength you need to provide the necessary assistance to the patient. You will also likely lose interest in your exercise regimen. However, this is not only integral for your physical needs, but also for an emotional release. All in all, if you do not address your physical needs, you will eventually lose the ability to care for your loved one altogether.
Your emotional needs are paramount throughout this experience. It is certainly appropriate to enlist the assistance of a professional to help you process all that is going on during this heart-wrenching time. However, if you are not interested in meeting with a therapist, there are other ways to stay emotionally healthy. These include writing about your feelings, physical activity, other creative pursuits and practicing relaxation and meditation. Discussing your feelings with your friends and family members can also help you process your emotions, while meeting your social needs. It is also important to remain involved in as many of your regular activities as possible so that you do not become overwhelmed with the responsibilities of caring for your ailing loved one.
Finally, and most importantly, you must look at the situation from a spiritual perspective. Regardless of your religious affiliation or spiritual beliefs, death is strongly tied to these areas. It is greatly beneficial for you and your loved one to address your spiritual or religious needs together. In witnessing your loved one find peace with their impending death, you may also do so.
Caring for a terminally ill loved one is a task that no one ever wants to take on. However, when this occurs, the maintenance of your own overall health is very important to your ability to nurse your loved one. You can utilize your knowledge of the importance of addressing your physical, emotional, social and spiritual needs to assist your loved one in these areas, as well. Take the time to care for yourself, because it is only then that you can truly take care of your loved one.