Article by Justin Coulson. See his Happy families blog here or follow Justin's twitter.
In preparation for an interview with a newspaper, I have been reviewing some research about children's involvement in sports, and how competition can affect their interest.
Is competition bad for children? Should kids be fighting it out for competition points? And is it ok for there to be winners and losers on the sports field?
One of the key reasons this has become an issue is because some sports clubs are now changing their emphasis away from competition for younger children. The argument goes that when young children are exposed to competition and the prospect of losing, their interest in sports will diminish. When the competition is not emphasised, the sport is played for fun, skill development, and social support.
Studies indicate that the main reason children play sports is for 'fun'. This is good news. They're involved for intrinsic motivations. All of the best research confirms that when we are motivated for internal reasons, we'll stick at something longer, and enjoy it more, than if we are motivated for external reasons.
Evidence suggests that by the age of 15, up to 80-90% of children will have given up competitive sports. It's particularly common in adolescence, and especially in girls. So perhaps moving away from competitive focus is useful.
I have written previously about why competition can be bad for kids.
However, should we stop exposing our kids to competitive sports?
Sports, by its very nature, is competitive.
A more detailed look at studies in this field suggests that playing competitive sports can be good or bad depending on a couple of important factors. First, the focus and motivation, and second, the feedback. In BOTH cases, the parents are ultimately responsible for whether a child's experience will be positive.
Focus and Motivation
Children who are focused on participating for challenge, fun, competence, and social support enjoy their sport and are not negatively affected by the competitive element.
Children who are focused on winning are most likely to be negatively affected by competition.
The main reason for this is the emphasis on mastery and learning in comparison to what I call 'ego' involvement. When our motives are based on success, a setback or failure can be demoralising and saps a sense of competence. Conversely, when our kids are in it for what they can learn, and to be with other people who also love the sport, winning and losing become less relevant.
Parents and coaches who emphasise doing your best, winning, and other competitive elements may be doing their kids a disservice in their efforts to promote good outcomes.
Parents and coaches who emphasise trying new things, practicing a new skill, working together, or enjoying the experience and more likely to promote a long-term commitment to, and passion for, sport.
Feedback
When feedback is negative, sense of competence and autonomy is reduced and children like the sport less.
When feedback is positive, or at least encouraging, children like the sport.
So, is competition good or bad?
It depends. But since sport and exercise are good for us physically and emotionally, and we can gain great social support from them, participation should be generally encouraged. What matters is that our focus is on learning and development rather than on winning, and that our feedback and conversation is less about criticism and more about encouragement.
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Parenting, Happiness and Meaning
Article by Justin Coulson. Help Justin with his research to receive a free e-book about parenting and you will be entered into a draw to win one of four $250 Westfield gift cards.
See his Happy families blog here or follow Justin's twitter.
Today's Illawarra Mercury has a front page article about parenting and happiness. Justin was interviewed talking about whether or not parents are happy being parents, and why researchers typically find that happiness declines for parents.
It would be a scene familiar to almost every parent.
One day, nine years ago, Justin Coulson got angry at his eldest daughter, aged two at the time.
He shouted at her, put her in her room and then went outside to cool down.
A street away, he heard a father screaming and yelling at another child.
"I heard how it reflected what I'd just done but was amplified," Mr Coulson said.
"I had an epiphany. I realised then I didn't want to turn into that man and had to learn how to be a better dad."
Nine months later, the former radio announcer enrolled in an undergraduate psychology degree.
Eight years on, the Figtree resident is in the final stages of completing a three-year PhD study at the University of Wollongong into parenting and how it affects and reflects on levels of adult happiness.
Mr Coulson is calling on Illawarra parents to help him decipher the difficult family dynamics by participating in an online study.
"I'm looking for around 1000 parents, from all walks of life and each end of the parenting spectrum to complete a 30-minute survey about parenting and happiness."
His research so far has highlighted that the majority of adults struggle with parenting, especially the social pressure to say they love the role.
"Parenting is really hard work and while it is punctuated with moments of delight, most mums and dads can't wait until the kids are asleep at night so they can finally switch back out of parent mode and de-stress," he said.
Mr Coulson said as children grow older, happiness among parents declines until the children move out of the family home.
But present and would-be parents shouldn't despair quite yet - there is a flip side, Mr Coulson said.
"Children provide a deep sense of meaning for a parent," he said.
"They make the highs higher. There are brief moments, such as watching your child in a dance competition, or seeing them achieve, that make being a parent - and all the difficulties with it - worthwhile."
Mr Coulson stressed his research had found there was a spectrum with two distinct ends.
"But our research has found the majority of parents have diminished levels of happiness as their children grow up."
He said his research was not meant to be judgemental on parents, but would hopefully lead to a better understanding of how families can become healthier.
Every parent who completes the survey receives a free e-book about parenting and will be entered into a draw to win one of four $250 Westfield gift cards.
To complete the survey, visit http://bit.ly/parentingsurvey.
Second Chance at Relationships….
What if today was the last time you saw your family and friends….What lasting impressions have you left on them? Were you in a good or bad mood when you said goodbye to them? How do you want to be remembered?
If you did get a second chance at a relationship, what happens if you are the one with the renewed energy and it’s not reciprocated. How do you start afresh in a relationship?
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Celebrating Your Wedding Anniversary…?
Here are some traditional and modern ideas on that perfect gift! We'd love to know via the comment section below how you celebrated/plan to celebrate your wedding anniversary....
Year Traditional / Modern
1st Paper / Clocks
2nd Cotton / China
3rd Leather / Crystal, Glass
4th Fruit, Flowers / Electrical Appliances
5th Wood / Silverware
6th Candy, Iron / Wood
7th Wool, Copper / Desk Sets
8th Bronze, Pottery / Linens, Lace
9th Pottery, Willow / Leather
10th Tin, Aluminum / Diamond Jewelry
11th Steel / Fashion Jewelry
12th Silk, Linen / Pearls, Colored Gems
13th Lace / Textiles, Furs
14th Ivory / Gold Jewelry
15th Crystal / Watches
20th China / Platinum
25th Silver / Silver
30th Pearl / Diamond
35th Coral / Jade
40th Ruby / Ruby
45th Sapphire / Sapphire
50th Gold / Gold
55th Emerald / Emerald
60th Diamond / Diamond
75th Diamond / Diamond
Positive Emotions and Resilience
Article by Justin Coulson.
See his Happy families blog here or follow Justin's twitter.
For the past decade or so resilience has been something of a buzz word in parenting.
Resilience is the ability to bounce back from set-backs and carry on in spite of hardship. The more resilient a person (or child) is, the better the outcomes the person will experience in terms of life satisfaction, happiness, productivity, creativity, social experience, and so on.
There are a bunch of factors (psychologists call them protective factors) that promote resilience for all of us, children and adults alike. They include, perhaps most importantly, strong social relationships (with friends or loved ones), but also things including spirituality, good problem solving skills, and having a mindset that can find meaning and purpose in all experiences.
The factor that I wanted to highlight in this post, though, is positive emotions.
When a child is experiencing something painful or negative in his or her life, it is unlikely that the experience will include positive emotions like joy, pleasure, contentment, or exhilaration. Yet positive emotions held previously can make a BIG difference in how long the negative experience lasts, and how your child bounces back from it.
When we experience positive emotions such as love, happiness, gratitude, curiosity, etc, we actually build psychological resources. We become more optimistic, more aware of the good that is in our lives, and more able to focus on the positive aspects we experience.
Additionally, we cultivate better social relationships from these positive emotions. People are attracted to positive, happy people. Our social resources are built.
Our cogntive resources are enhanced. People experiencing positive emotions have sharper thinking. Thoughts are clearer, and are also broader in their reach. In other words, when we feel good we feel like there are more options available to us to act on. We feel expansive and enlivened.
Lastly, our physical resources are also boosted as we experience positive emotions. Happy people are typically healthier people. Our bodies function well.
These accumulated resources from our positive emotions become a reservoir that we can dip into when times get tough. The deeper the reservoir, the less impact that setbacks in our lives have over the long term.
Of course, setbacks and negative experiences are real and should be acknowledged. They should be lived through. Meaning and purpose can be gained from them. Negative emotions are an important part of living a 'whole' life. But they don't have to become the characteristic way in which we view the world. Instead, our positive emotions can actually foster our resilience and help us, and our families, bounce back from hardships quickly and optimistically.
Here are a few ideas for fostering positive emotions:
1. Savour
Encourage your children to 'savour' their experiences by really being in the moment with them. Have them identify exactly what is going on, how it makes them feel, and why it's so good!
2. Be Grateful
So much research tells us that gratitude is a powerful emotion. It has been said that gratitude is the mother of all virtues. Ask your family what they're grateful for, regularly, and talk about why.
3. Be Optimistic
When we feel positively about our future, we can move ahead with confidence. I love to ask my children what they're looking forward to in the coming day or week. There's always something they can't wait to do. This is a terrific antidote to depression and negative emotions. When we're excited about the future we have a reason to keep going, to bounce back from challenging situations, and to develop resilience.
Our Home, Our Family
In today’s society, it is more important than ever to encourage the family bond. The morals and values of the previous generations are disappearing at an alarming rate, producing a culture that our ancestors would find horrifying. The children of present day are exposed to a number of temptations and evils that even parents would never have imagined in their youth. As such, it is integral that the family system be strong enough to protect our young people and preserve the principles we deem necessary to live a wholesome and valuable existence. For any family, the best place to start strengthening these connections is in the home.
In keeping our family united, our house must be a home; a place where we want to return at the end of each day. A home should be a place that provides unparalleled comfort and warmth and almost draws us into it. This does not mean that we have to invest a fortune in our residence, but we must ensure the each member of the family can fulfill their basic needs and, at least, some of their desires there. Creating a clean, comfortable and entertaining environment is key. We must consider the personalities and preferences of each member of the family in building a place that everyone will consider their refuge from the outside world.
In addition to the home as a very important part of the family bond, the communication within the home is also important. The spoken word can serve a number of purposes in our relationships. From entertainment to guidance, speaking to one another is invaluable. By scheduling regular activities that are conducive to conversation, from nightly dinners to weekend car trips, we can learn more about one another as individuals, communicate our family history and provide hours of entertainment for everyone. Time after time, it has been proven that communication is one of the most vital components of high-quality relationships, whether they are partners, parent-child or child-child.
Another excellent tactic for encouraging family togetherness and creating an attractive home environment is to make the home welcoming and invite others into it. Socialization is an innate human need, but is especially important for providing children with variety and excitement. Entertaining within our home provides a number of benefits. Most notably, it gives the opportunity to monitor what is taking place and have control over what we and our children are exposed to. Additionally, our family is able to process our own behavior and that of our guests in the moment, when such discussion will have the most impact and pertinence.
It is encouraging to know that we do not have to go to extremes to keep our family unit intact. By taking the initiative to create a home that is inviting to all and considering each family member’s preferences in doing so, we can form a basis for family togetherness. Then, we can utilize this environment to encourage the values and morals that we want our children to live by. And, all the while, we can take comfort in the knowledge that we have built a home and a family we can take pride in.