Welcome to the new world, where a snapshot of today’s modern family is quite different to that of thirty years ago. Cohabitation before marriage has increased, divorce rates have soared and family size has shrunk.
What does your family look like? Large? Small? Single parent? How is your family different to the one you grew up in?
Tell us below and you’ll go into the running to win one of two copies of the audiobook: How to Have “World Peace” at Home by Justin Coulson and Bruce Sullivan. This competition ends on the 15th October. Please make sure you enter your correct email address so we can contact you if you are a winner!
Listen to chapter 2 for free, Emotional Availability: the first key secret.
Statistics compiled by the Australian Institute of Family Studies:
Relationship trends
• Marriage rates prior to the 1980s were already declining and cohabitation rates rising. These trends have continued with people living together becoming the normal pathway to marriage.
• The crude marriage rate (the number of marriages for every 1,000 Australians) fell from 9.3 in 1970 to 7.4 in 1980, falling to 5.3 in 2001 and only increasing slightly after that to 5.5 in 2008.
• In 1980 only 23 per cent of couples lived together before marrying, compared to 78% in 2008.
• The crude divorce rate (the number of divorces for every 1,000 Australians) more than doubled between 1975 and 1976, but then fell to levels that nonetheless remained much higher than before 1976 (2.7 in 1980 and 2.2 in 2008).
Family characteristics
• The average size of households has fallen from 3.5 members in 1966, to 3.0 in 1981 and to 2.6 in 2006.
• The proportion of families with dependent children has fallen, while the proportion of couples living with no children has increased progressively.
• In 1976, 48% of all households containing families were couple families living with dependent children and 28% were couples living with no children. By 2006 there were equal numbers of households that were couple families with dependent children and couple families living with no children.
• Lone-parent families have increased from less than 7% in 1976 to 11% by 2006.
• In 2006-2007, 72% of families with at least one child under the age of 18 were "intact" families" (where there are no step children of one of the partners); 17% were families headed by lone mothers; 4% were step-families, 3% were blended families and 3% were lone-parent families headed by fathers.
Having children
• By 1980 young people were remaining longer in education and women were embracing post-secondary education and entering the workforce. With the wider availability of the contraceptive pill in the 1970s and greater education and employment opportunities, women started to delay marriage and children.
• In 1980, women most commonly had their first child in their early twenties. By 2007, most new Mums were in their late twenties, with marginally less in their early thirties.
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Emotional Availability – First Key Secret
Listen to the second chapter of the audiobook, “How to Have World Peace at Home” by Justin Coulson and interviewed by Bruce Sullivan. Emotional availability is the first key secret to having a happy, peaceful relationship with your children. If you would like to hear more, please consider purchasing the audiobook from our store, here.
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My husband wants a boy, but I KNOW it’s a girl!
Essential Baby blogger Justine Davies and Red Hot Relationships' Bruce Sullivan teamed up to solve the dilemma of this mother-to-be.
Question:
I’m currently 24 weeks pregnant with our first baby and while it’s very exciting I’m not sure whether to tell DH that it’s a girl. What should I do??
DH wants a son. Really, really badly wants a son. And he’s been quite open about his hopes that we’re having a boy throughout the whole pregnancy. Not in a negative “I don’t want a girl” way – once we have the baby I know he will be thrilled no matter what - but he calls my bump his “little man” and keeps telling everyone that he’s sure I’m having a boy.
The thing is though – I know it’s a girl! We had the 20 week scan and didn’t find out the sex, because DH wants it to be a surprise. But I’m hopeless at waiting for surprises, so I phoned the clinic the next day and asked – and we’re having a girl!
That’s fine by me, I really don’t mind either way. But I just don’t know whether to tell DH now so that he settles down with the whole “little man” routine in front of our friends or whether to not say anything and let him find out on the day. He really wants it to be a surprise – but he’s talking up the whole “I want a boy” thing way too much.
What do parents think? Leave it and let him find out on the day, or tell him now?
Justine Davies answers:
Oh jeez, Lindi – I don’t think there’s a right or wrong answer here. Maybe it depends on how pro-boy your husband is being? If he’s being seriously out of control and will live to regret (or be severely embarrassed by) what he’s saying, then maybe you should tell him – on the other hand, if he will probably just laugh about all his current “I want a boy” declarations when he meets his beautiful baby girl, then maybe there’s no need.
Bruce Sullivan answers:
For a male perspective on this, I have asked relationship specialist and founder of www.redhotrelationships.com, Bruce Sullivan for some advice…
“This is a problem faced by many couples since the advent of new technology,” he says. “There are though two other questions here that need to be considered.
Firstly, if you both agreed not to find out he may be more anxious that you broke the agreement to wait until birth to discover the truth. Trust is a key component of every relationship and I think is the key issue here. Secondly, how are you going to enjoy the rest of your pregnancy living with the internal conflict that now exists?
My advice would be to tell him and how you do it of course is the key.
Couples need to have agreements in place about being open and assurances that when you do your partner will respond in a predictable positive way with a view to solving the problem and getting on with your lives together.
“Honey, I really want tell you about a deal we had that I broke and most importantly I want to be sure that the trust we have in our relationship is preserved... hence this conversation. I have found out the sex of our baby and do you want to know?”
If he does you can tell him and both get used to the fact that your beautiful little girl is on the way and if he doesn’t then you can have some fun together enjoying the pregnancy.
The key is that with whatever he chooses, you have done what you can to ensure that the trust is preserved in your relationship.
What's your advice? Let us know below.
Article reproduced with permission from essentialbaby.com
What did YOU say YES to?
The day of our departure had finally come however this time there was a question mark over if we should stay and wait....or do we set forth on our adventure? We had already bragged about how lucky we had been in the past with the weather magically aligning its good behaviour with our planned departure dates.
A decision was made and we said yes to a departure the following morning.
Well, to cut the very long story short, three out of the four of us became terribly sea sick and the journey across the ocean to an outer most island on the Great Barrier Reef felt like it would never end! As the seas gradually increased their rage on our boat and its occupants, we all had private moments of “Get me out of here”... “Let’s go back” (even when we were over half way) and the most important question of all, “Why are we doing this?”
WHY...? Because we said yes! NO complaining or whingeing required... NO easy way out... NO control, alt, delete and start again... NO surfing the net looking for a “cheat” to this program. Suck it up, make the most of it and do what you can to solve the problems that need to be solved!
Please can I encourage you to remember and be realistic about what you said YES to! In fact, I would like to suggest that everything you are doing right now you said yes to…including your job!
When I said yes to being a Dad....I said yes to being interrupted whilst doing something that I thought was important to me by something my children thought was more important to them AND that I should drop everything I’m doing to do what they want me to do right now!
Instead of whingeing about my children...I remember that I said yes to being a Dad which realistically means being interrupted by them wanting me to play with them... right now and then only for a short season!
When I said yes to being a service provider...I said yes to doing what I can to keep the relationship positive, growing and moving forward...even on the days that I don’t feel like it.
Instead of whingeing about customers...I remember I said yes to this job, which realistically means serving customers and helping them solve the problems they have.
We already have a reputation. We will be famous for being a problem solver or being a whinger. So what are you famous for?
What have you said yes to?
Enjoy the journey!
Bruce Sullivan
Keeping the children in mind
It was a difficult decision, but you and your spouse have agreed that it is time to get a divorce. You have not told your children yet and are very intimidated by the mere idea of explaining it to them. You, nor your husband, have even made them aware that there were problems. You grapple with how to share this information with them without feeling as though you’re dropping a bomb on them.
This is, without a doubt, an extremely complicated situation. You must address this very emotional topic with your children at a time when you certainly do not feel your strongest. There are a number of ways that parents can inform children of an impending divorce, but doing it on a whim is not the best strategy. You should only discuss this issue with your children after you, and your spouse, have discussed it at length and have a plan for addressing your children’s questions and concerns.
The first step is to talk to your spouse about the amount of information you want to share with your children. It is important for both of you to be united on this topic, even in the midst of divorce. The best thing parents can do for their children during this time is to remain a team when it comes to parenting. Some parents will simply want to inform their children that they no longer feel the same way about one another, thus they cannot stay married. Other parents will want to share more about the reasons behind the decision to split. Whatever your decision, the children are going to ask questions and it is your responsibility to know how you will respond in advance.
It is also important to inform the children of the divorce in a calm, comfortable, familiar atmosphere. The family and dining rooms are good choices, but eliminating distractions is integral. Both parents need to be there, as the children will likely have questions for each. Avoid using a tone of negativity. Even though it may be a difficult situation, you would not be going forward with it if the positives did not outweigh the negatives. Often, the way in which the news is framed makes an immense difference in how it is received. It is also necessary to assure the children that the divorce has nothing to do with them. More often than not, children of divorce report feelings that the divorce was their fault.
After making your children aware of the divorce and thoroughly processing their feelings and concerns, it is essential to keep them informed of the other changes that will be taking place. Certainly, you or your spouse will be leaving the main family home. Also, the children will be splitting their time between parents, as well as each parent’s extended family. The divorce may also impact the children’s schooling, peer relationships and socioeconomic status, among other things. It is important to talk about these changes with the children, rather than just watching the changes take place. In processing each step of the divorce process and its implications with the children, we are reducing their anxiety and fear, as well as keeping them emotional healthy.
When do we call it quits?
We all enter marriage with high hopes and lofty dreams. We take our vows seriously and enter into them with the mindset that we will have an everlasting union. So, when things go awry in our marriage, it is difficult to know when enough is enough. How do we determine when to call it quits? How can we be sure that we should get a divorce?
It is always important to fully explore the problems that are occurring with our spouse. However, we should not begin a discussion of our issues with divorce in mind. Rather, we should talk about how to resolve the problems without getting divorced. If we are able to have such a talk with our partner, gain knowledge about one another’s perspectives on the issues and devise some strategies to combat the problems, then our marriage is worth working on. If we are able to employ the strategies for relationship repair and they bring fruitful results, we can see that divorce is obviously the wrong thing for us.
If this talk does not bring about a rekindling of our marriage, then it may also be helpful to seek the advice of a professional. We, and our partner, may feel ambivalent about seeing a counselor or therapist, but it is a worthwhile venture for those considering a divorce. This third party serves as a mediator in our discussions and assists us in formulating strategies to help our marriage. The contributions of a relationship expert can certainly be invaluable in these difficult times. Once again, if we can utilize this input to strengthen our relationship, we should eliminate the thought of divorce from our mind.
In the event that our efforts to resolve the issues within our marriage fail, then we really need to examine the fundamentals of good relationships. First, we must ask our self whether there is a loss of trust. If we do not trust our partner, or they do not trust us, this is a very troubling issue. Trust is extremely hard to build in the first place, which makes it that much more difficult to rebuild. Also, we need to think about whether there is still respect between oneself and our partner. Again, this is a building block of a good relationship. If the respect is gone, everything else will crumble. When these elements are absent, a marriage absolutely will not last. If we and our partner are willing to give the time and patience necessary to rebuild them, then do so. If we or our partner cannot work on respect and trust, it is time to call it quits.
When we look at our relationship and truly analyze its aspects, we must be mindful of the need to make an effort to resolve the problems within it. Taking the time and effort to discuss our problems as a couple, either independently or with a professional, will help to get the issues out in the open and give us an opportunity to solve them. However, if we find that the foundation of our relationship is gone- trust and respect- and we do not wish to address these keys issues, it may be time to move forward with our lives by moving on.