How honest do you want people to be with you? Do you really want to hear the truth or do you want to hear what pleases you?
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How honest do you want people to be with you? Do you really want to hear the truth or do you want to hear what pleases you?
Podcast: Play in new window | Download
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We have all heard how it’s not easy to maintain a good marriage, how it takes a large level of effort and how both individuals have to work at it. It’s sad that what you most often hear about marriage are the difficulties that seem to plague many of these sacred bonds. Admittedly, there are some intricacies associated with maintaining a marriage, but it is really all about remembering the relationship qualities that lead us to marriage in the first place. It seems that we merely need to ask ourselves “why and how did we fall in love?”
It is certainly true that our relationships change as the years pass by, as we experience a variety career pressures, take-on a mortgage, raise children and cope with other life stressors. However, these things do not have to negatively affect the fundamental bases of our relationship; those characteristics that made our relationship strong in the first place. If we are not cognizant of these, we can become one of those couples working too hard to maintain a marriage because we forgot about its history. Among these married people, it seems that there are some simple principles that are commonly lost on couples who have been in a relationship for any extended period.
Most notably, married individuals seem to become more of individuals over time. We forget that marriage is about two people sharing a common bond. A marriage is about unity; about two becoming one. It is integral that we, as partners, eliminate selfishness from our existence and make every decision with the consideration of our partner. Here, we can recall those date nights that we compromised when choosing a restaurant or finding entertainment that we would both enjoy.
Similarly, there are too many couples whose selfishness and individuality have completely severed our communication. A number of us can reminisce about the days when we and our partner stayed up all night just talking; talking about nothing in particular. But, as the years pass on, it seems that we have forgotten not only the intimacy that such conversation can bring, but we also neglect the practicality of communication. As a couple, we must remember that we always have something to say.
Finally, we forget about those little nuances that we found so unique and attractive in our partner and start pointing-out every oddity and mistake. The tendency to “err is human”. We all know this. Yet, we start holding our partner to some unreachable standard and eliminate the opportunity to give and receive happiness. We take our partner’s mistakes personally, rather than recognizing that no human being is perfect. We need to love our partner for all of those little character flaws that attracted us to them in the first place and to forgive them when they make a mistake. Even if they make a thousand mistakes!
To maintain a positive and enjoyable marital relationship, we must not forget where the marriage originated. It came out of an atmosphere of love and acceptance and of a genuine interest in one another. Considering our partner distinctive and one-of-a-kind, rather than looking upon them as faulted, is of great importance to our relationship stability. Most importantly, we must not forget the vows we took on our wedding day, which are irrevocable and everlasting promises made before God.
Article by Justin Coulson.
See his Happy families blog here or follow Justin's twitter.
If your children could see themselves through your eyes, what would they see?
In a local park I recently overheard a conversation between two parents. "He's such a terror!" "She's a totally spoiled little brat." "This child is driving me crazy."
It was an eye-opening moment, because when I looked at their children I saw a helpful girl playing with a younger sibling, an energetic boy laughing and running and climbing with excitement, and a child who wanted to share his playtime with his mum.
The way we 'frame' a situation, or a person, heavily influences our interactions. If we consistently see our children as frustrating impediments in what would otherwise be a well-ordered life, then every interaction with our children will be marred by that default view. Such a view promotes a deficit-orientation towards a family. It reduces motivation on the part of parents to help their 'good-for-nothing' 'bratty' 'ungrateful' children. And unsurprisingly, such an approach is hardly inspiring for children. They feed off the negativity of parental perception and typically live up to precisely what is expected of them... which is not much.
Conversely, seeing our children as people - real people - who we value, and who bring positives to our family and our lives ensures that our interactions with them can be far more positive. We take a strengths approach, stating what we value and appreciate in them, and sharing those positives. We consider things that they are good at and invite them to develop those attributes. We give them opportunities and acknowledge their contribution.
We decide whether the glass is half full or half empty. This is not to be naive or ignorant of shortcomings and concerns. When we see a half-full glass, we can still recognise that it is not completely full, and we can help to remedy that in appropriate ways. But it does make a big difference.
If you see your child as talented, helpful, and willing to think of others, you'll see those traits exhibited more. If you see your child as selfish, a non-contributor, and rude, it's amazing how often those attributes will be evident - often prompted by the expectations of those around her.
Are your children angels, or terrorists? Are they a delight, or delinquent? Are they a pain or a pleasure? They can be either, but if we choose to see them as angels, as a delight, and as a pleasure, then they most likely will be.
Your children can see themselves the way that you see them. What are they seeing?
We live in an ‘over-committed’ generation whereby saying ‘yes’ has been sewn into us at an early age….listen to Bruce’s tips on how to say NO!
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Those of us who are married often reminisce about the early days of our relationships and think of how magical and romantic those times were. Dating, however, can be a frightening and intimidating time for those who are actually involved in it now. It is especially scary for individuals who have been out of the dating scene for a while. They often try to please their date, rather than showing who they really are. They sometimes spend hours “reinventing” their appearance, rather than presenting their true self. Such tactics only work against the ultimate goal of dating and place us right back out there to search for “the one” again. You must look at a date as an opportunity and spend the time wisely in order to achieve success.
If you are planning the date, think about activities that provide the chance to express yourself and show what you find interesting and fun. There is nothing wrong with giving-up the old standard dinner and a movie to go rock climbing or visit the opening of a new art gallery. Consider activities that are stimulating for conversation and provide the time to do so. Whatever you choose, though, be sure to discuss the choice with your date prior to picking them up.
On the other hand, if you are not planning the outing, it is absolutely necessary to know what type of date you will be going on. Answering the door in your gorgeous new evening gown, only to find your date in jeans, can ruin anyone’s night out. As such, it is essential to discuss the date agenda prior to preparing to go out. Also, it is important to be open-minded and adventurous. Even if you have never been exposed to something that is planned, don’t deny your date the opportunity to introduce you to it. This alone can afford both of you with an amazing, bonding experience.
During a date, it is important to encourage discussion. However, even in the case of a soft-spoken person, be certain not to dominate the conversation. By asking open-ended questions and practicing reflective listening, you can stimulate an amazing flow of chatter. It is essential that you give and receive “the basics” of personality, interests and values during your first few dates, without being too probing. This can help you avoid spending months with someone before finding-out that your morals or beliefs are in complete opposition.
These are simple, yet integral, steps in dating successfully. There is immense value in expressing your personality and standards of living early-on in order to feel comfortable giving effort to the relationship. Thinking outside of the box to create a date atmosphere that provides the opportunity for communication and self-expression is imperative. Put simply, one day, these dates will be the foundation for a marriage and you want to be able to look back on them as wonderful experiences that served to bring you and your partner together in body, mind and spirit.
Article by Justin Coulson.
See his Happy families blog here or follow Justin's twitter.
I'm a father of daughters... five precious girls.
Being a parenting researcher and writer gives me a lot of confidence in the way I raise my girls. But there is one thing that causes me more worry than anything else. It's the way society tells girls how they should 'look'.
There has been some recent noise made in the media recently about a book titled Cinderella Ate My Daughter. The author, Peggy Orenstein, argues that the 'Disney-fication' of what little girls are supposed to be (i.e. princesses) is leading to social norms that are unhealthy.
Orenstein doesn't just blame Disney. She argues that the media, in a general sense, turns women's bodies into objects to satisfy men, and that the media portrays imperfect women unkindly. This in turn is influencing our expectations of what women should be and look like, and is driving women, mums, and daughters to dissatisfaction with themselves.
The media is powerful. There is no doubt that it can be influential. And the influence is intentional - and biased towards an idealised beauty that is impossible to achieve.
A fascinating interview with Hollywood actor, mover and shaker, Geena Davis sheds more light on the issue. From the interview:
We raised some money, and we ended up doing the largest research study ever done on G-rated movies and television shows made for kids 11 and under. And the results were stunning. What we found was that in G-rated movies, for every one female character, there were three male characters. If it was a group scene, it would change to five to one, male to female.
Of the female characters that existed, the majority are highly stereotyped and/or hypersexualized. To me, the most disturbing thing was that the female characters in G-rated movies wear the same amount of sexually revealing clothing as the female characters in R-rated movies.
And then we looked at aspirations and occupations and things like that. Pretty much the only aspiration for female characters was finding romance, whereas there are practically no male characters whose ultimate goal is finding romance. The No. 1 occupation was royalty. Nice gig, if you can get it. And we found that the majority of female characters in animated movies have a body type that can't exist in real life. So, the question you can think of from all this is: What message are we sending to kids?
The messages the media is sending to women - even young girls - are powerful, pervasive, and barely even noticed. And they are all the wrong messages!
A recent study of 320 women aged between 18 and 65 years (average age= 24.49 years) from 20 UK universities found that in order to achieve their ideal body weight and shape:
To me, such a survey is not particularly valid. The hypothetical nature of the question, combined with the absolute lack of reality associated with it makes it inaccurate at best, and foolish at worst. It does, however, point to one important fact regardless of the nonsense question that it is:
A substantial number of women experience genuine body dissatisfaction.
The crunch though, is that 79% of the women surveyed reported that they would like to lose weight, despite the fact that the majority of the women sampled (78.37%) were actually within the underweight or 'normal' weight ranges.
A few other findings from the study that may be of interest:
Of the 39% who said they would have cosmetic surgery, 76% desired multiple surgical procedures. 5% of the women surveyed have already had cosmetic surgery to alter their appearance.
We live in a crazy, superficial world where all that seems to matter to a woman is what she looks like. It's as if her appearance is her contribution to society and humanity. And if she doesn't measure up, she feels inadequate, gets bullied, and will go to extreme lengths to try to achieve the IMPOSSIBLE!
We need to teach our girls that NOBODY looks like the girls in the magazines!
How do we do this, sensitively, as parents?
First, consider your child's development. For girls in particular, it is normal for them to gain weight at certain times of their lives. Sometimes this can happen rapidly, such as at the onset of puberty. While your child may not look like the media's popular portrayals, remember that your child is not receiving hours of time in the 'makeup' room each day, and airbrushing only works in photos - not real life.
Explain this kind of thing to your child. Let them know that they are normal, and that the people in the media are anything but normal.
Second, be positive about your child's changing body. Discuss the positives related to how they are growing up. Puberty is an exciting time, and this can be shared in meaningful ways between parent and child. Don't talk negatively as it will increase self-consciousness. If there are reasons to be concerned, subtly change your family eating and exercise habits rather than telling your child negative things about her appearance.
Third, NEVER EVER let your children hear you complain about your own body. You own your body and it's up to you to be comfortable in it. If you're not, keep it to yourself and work to improve your health. If your child hears you complaining about how you look and feel she will learn that this is how women behave. Similarly, if your child sees you going for a walk every night after dinner (or swimming early each morning) then your example will make a difference. Your example of how you feel about yourself may well be the biggest influence on your child's sense of satisfaction with herself.
Fourth, teach your children that health, fitness, and wellbeing matter in terms of body satisfaction. And invite them to consider all of the ways that they can make a contribution to their family, classroom, and community... ways that have nothing to do with how they look. Help them to know that the media's obsession with appearance doesn't have to carry across into a personal obsession with personal appearance.
Fifth, education matters. Show you children how magazines and media change women with advertisements like this... (and no I'm not endorsing the brand or their work - it's simply a superb illustration)