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Why Your Children Should NOT be on Facebook
Article by Justin Coulson.
See his Happy families blog here or follow Justin's twitter.
In recent months my 11 year-old daughter has been endlessly begging, pleading, 'dying' to let me set her up with a facebook account.
"Everyone has got one dad."
"They're calling me names because you won't let me have one."
Children should NOT be on facebook. In fact, children should NOT even have telephones that are more computer than phone!
Here are 5 BIG reasons why your child should stay off facebook:
1. Cyberbullying.
Like it or not, cyberbullying is real and it affects most children in some way. This staggering example of bullying via the phone is becoming all too common. And it happens online in ways that are just as vicious and frightening.
2. Content that's not for kids.
I have been 'friended' on facebook by several of my friends' children. While I know that they will not see content on my page or in my updates that is inappropriate, I can't help but be almost certain that some of their other adult 'friends' may not be so mindful of what is posted. To add insult to this statement, one of my 'friends' under the age of 13 (and therefore too young for facebook according to facebook) posted material that I was stunned to see! Facebook provides too many opportunities for kids to be exposed to things they really should not see.
3. Facebook and the 'under 13' rule.
The only reason that facebook has a rule that children under the age of 13 cannot use it is related to USA laws related to the collection of personal information on young people. It has NOTHING to do with the best interests of your child! Nothing at all. Facebook does not care how old your child is, or the extent to which exposure to inappropriate material may occur. Of course they do respond to complaints about inappropriate material, but by then it's often too late - especially if it is your child.
4. Do you 'really' know your friends?
Several of the kids that have friended me on facebook, because their parents are my friends, have as many as 40 other friends in common with me. I suspect that they're friends with many, many of their parents' friends. But how well do you really know all your friends? While it's unlikely, it is not impossible that your child could become friends with one of your friends, or even your friends' friends (privacy settings can allow friends of friends to get access to your lists at times). Issues to do with keeping your child safe are magnified substantially under such circumstances. Private messages can be sent by strangers to your child. Attachments can be added to those messages and sent to your child - by those strangers who are friends, or friends of friends. Personal information can be obtained from your child, and so on.
5. Social and Developmental Psychology
Our children are simply not developed sufficiently to deal with the immediacy of facebook and all that electronic media entails. Simple face-to-face squabbles are challenging enough. When we incorporate the 'nowness' of the virtual world with the distance (perceived) and even a sense of anonymity (which can be easily manufactured) children struggle to inhibit anti-social impulses, and get easily swept up in whatever issues are present before them. Our young children, perhaps even under 18 - but at least 16 - are simply not sufficiently developed and mature to deal with what the electronic media offer them.
While this article is principally about facebook, the concerns extend to other media including email, mobile phones (watch this amazing video and follow the story), and the Internet more generally.
I suggest the following to keep your children safe:
First, keep them off facebook as long as you can... even beyond 13 if possible.
Second, keep communication open. If something bad happens, don't threaten to remove technology privileges. This will only push the behaviour underground, making it deeper and harder to observe. Instead, talk, talk, talk, and listen! Lots!
Third, show your children just how fast these problems can escalate. The links, youtubes, and stories in this post can be used as helpful educational tools. Educate, educate, educate.
Fourth, keep computers in open, public areas of the house. Never allow computers (including laptops and mobile phones with connectivity) into the bedroom.
Five, be a helicopter parent... hover, hover, hover. Be over their shoulder and know what they're doing. (And get used to seeing POS written in their chat - it means Parent Over Shoulder).
We can't bubble-wrap our kids, but we can protect them from the negative effects that the cyberworld throws in their direction by being aware, and following the guidelines outlined here
Planning For Death
Taking the time to plan for your death may not sound like a really fun idea. Actually, some people may be really bothered by it. But, there are many benefits related to completing this process. This article will examine some of the reasons why someone may want to plan. It will also discuss a few of the things that people can do in order to prepare in advance for a life conclusion that is inevitable.
When people take the time to plan for death they will be helping their family members out in the end. Planning ahead will take a large burden off of the family members that will be left behind once you are gone. This may take a large financial burden off of them. They will also be able to relax because they will not have to worry about what you may have wanted. This means that they will be able to simply work through the grieving process.
Now, if you are planning on leaving any type of inheritance for your loved ones then you may want to plan ahead for this as well. This is very important because may individuals do not realize that their loved ones may need to pay taxes on what you leave for them. In order to avoid this, it is very important to plan ahead. There are many rules and laws surrounding inheritance taxes. Therefore, when family members plan ahead, and give gifts in advance, their loved ones may not need to pay taxes on these things.
If you make the decision to plan for your death you will want to start by planning your own funeral. This can give you piece of mind as well because you know that you will have exactly what you want. You can select the location of your burial, the music that will be played and even what you will wear. Many individuals will even select their casket and the flower arrangements that they will want at the funeral home.
For many, this may sound really morbid. For others, it is simply smart planning. This is a positive way to make sure that your family will be taken care of when you pass away. The bottom line is, everyone will die. If you have the opportunity to plan in advance then you will want to do that for your family. It shows that you care about them and you want them to be well cared for when you pass on.
Organised Living
We like to feel comfortable in our own home. It is nice to think of our house as a haven, where we can take respite from the chaos of the outside world. It is important that we all have this view of our home, but we cannot do it alone. We must ask that the other members of our household take on some of the responsibility. This is the way to organized and healthy living for all of our family members, which results in a place of peace and calm.
One of the most important aspects of the organized home is the chore assignment posting. This chart will give each member of the household certain responsibilities that they must fulfill. To make the process of chore assignment fun, and to mix-in some variety, create a game of it. Each week, the family can gather to draw their chores from a bowl, answer trivia questions to determine in what order each person will choose their chores or play the chore lottery by matching numbers with corresponding chores. Then, simply post these chores on a dry erase board, cork board or on the refrigerator. In order to keep everyone motivated to complete their duties, use small weekly rewards or more significant monthly rewards.
Also important is a household schedule, which gives every member of the family a sense of security and predictability. These are essential, especially for children, to eliminate the anxiety associated with not knowing what will be happening in a given day. This schedule should not only include wake-up, meals and bedtime, but also provide delineation of private time, one-on-one time and family time. These periods of time can include activities such as homework, chores, games or dining out. Every member of the family will quickly recognize the benefits of this schedule, even though they may be resistant at first.
Finally, to have a truly peaceful and serene home environment, families must have household rules. These rules must be general enough to apply to everyone in the home, yet specific enough to achieve the purpose for setting them. As such, adults in the home must not exclude themselves from being held accountable for following these policies. Again, creating the regulations of the home should be a family activity in which everyone can take part. In doing this, each member of the household has a sense of ownership for the rules, thus they are more likely to follow them. Obviously, consequences for violations of the rules must also be established.
Establishing household rules, a family schedule and chore charts can have a significant impact on the overall quality of living within any family home. These three simple elements will provide each and every member of the family with the opportunity to view their home as a sanctuary, as well as providing them with a sense of responsibility for maintaining the serenity of the home. Such simple tasks can make a big difference!
Bullying – New Study and Tips to Help Kids Through It.
Article by Justin Coulson.
See his Happy Families blog here or follow Justin's twitter.
More than two thirds of girls under the age of 10 are bullied, according to a study recently completed by the Girl Guides association of Australia.
Here is a frightening audio example of just how serious it can get.
According to a report in the SMH "68 per cent aged between five and nine reporting that that they had been bullied, many of them online. One fifth of those aged 10 to 14 had also experienced bullying and some 65 per cent said that reports in the media made them worry for their own safety."
The study pointed out the significant challenges associated with cyber-bullying and the use of mobile telephones.
Bullying and teasing occurs in every school yard (and many families) every single day.
Cruel remarks that are delivered to ridicule, taunt, embarrass, and make fun of a victim are common, and are unfortunately accepted as part of life. Parents need effective strategies to help their child overcome the mockery, and bounce back with a resilient mindset. The internet and mobile technology have enlarged the probability that your children will be involved, either as bully, or bullied.
Each case is unique, and should be treated accordingly. Below are three common mistakes parents make when dealing with children upset by teasing, and three simple strategies for providing a supportive environment that buffers your child from the harm teasing can cause. (It is important to note that if threats of serious harm are made, they should be taken seriously and acted on immediately. Intimidatory behaviour is never acceptable).
Mistake 1 – Dismissive Responding
“Oh get over it.”
“Well if you’re going to listen to that, or play with them, it’s your own fault.”
Children who are being teased, harrassed, or bullied will often come to parents for support. Parents who are dismissive are often trying to ‘harden up’ their child, but may reduce resilience by failing to provide needed support.
Mistake 2 – Retaliation
A nine year-old boy was told by his father, “If he’s mean to you again tomorrow, punch him in the nose”.
An eleven year-old girl was told by her mother, “You tell her she’s a rude little cow if she treats you like that again.”
While fighting fire with fire may seem logical in the heat of the moment, retaliation rarely resolves concerns in relationships. Clever comebacks only create an ongoing contentious spiral of teasing and hurt.
Mistake 3 – Ignore it and it Will Go Away
Passivity is unhelpful. Shrugging our shoulders, turning our back, or failing to address the issues will not meet the needs of our children. Ignoring our child’s plight will leave her feeling isolated, lonely, and questioning her value as a person.
Here are three strategies to use when your child is being teased:
1. Be Emotionally Available
Kids who have parents that are emotionally available are far more likely to have positive relationships with others (among a multitude of other benefits). Kids whose parents are not emotionally available are more likely to have negative relationships with others.
If your child is being teased, take time to simply be with him or her. Listen. Don’t offer advice. Just be there as an emotionally safe place.
2. Perspective Taking
Chloe and Lilly were best friends and in second grade. Lilly was crying because Chloe had hit her. After her mother took some time to be emotionally available, Lilly calmed down. Her mother asked why Chloe hit her. Lilly replied, “I don’t know.”
Her mother then said, “Let’s do a little experiment. I want you to pretend that you’re Chloe. Imagine I asked you, as Chloe, why you hit Lilly. What would you say to me if you were Chloe and I asked you that?”
Sheepishly Lilly replied, “That Lilly was teasing me about how she could see my undies.”
Through perspective taking, parents can gain insight into how their children feel. They can also develop the skill of perspective taking in their children to discover other important aspects of relationships in the school yard that their children may be less willing to share through typical questioning.
3. Strategise Together
When teasing is creating distress, children need parents who are available, and who want to help. But helping too much may not allow our children to develop important relationship skills. We may also undermine their decision making development.
It can be helpful to offer reassurance, and then invite your child to consider useful solutions. Often the answers are inside them, and will come out if they know we, as parents, are available to them.
Kindness, patience, and invitations to be friends are often far more effective in restoring friendship than aggressive practices, and as we strategies it will be useful to guide our children toward these types of mutually beneficial responses.
Analysing Your Relationships…..
So things are going well in your relationships….how do you make them even better!
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